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Blogging And My Existential Crisis

I’m the kind of a person that sticks onto something of meaning like a leech. Now when I say ‘something of meaning’ I mean something of meaning to me (It doesn’t entirely need to be legit.) Most things in life for me have been that way. If I want something, you best believe I’ll work to get it somehow. Well, that’s part A of the introduction to my life.  

Part B is……  

Once I feel like I’ve gotten what I’ve wanted or desired, I feel almost guilty or unworthy of it. No clue why that is so but it’s almost like as if I’d be willing to throw hard-work away just to feel comfortable with myself and in more ways than one, settle into self-wallowing for wanting and then losing something I wanted.  Activate self destruction.

Does that even make sense? I think it should because that’s how most people are. You want something, it happens and then you wonder if it really should’ve happened or if you’re deserving of it.  

Now there are some others that this happens to but they just bite down the guilt, and keep powering forward and get shit done. Well, those are the cream of the society that actually know their worth sooner or later. But for some of us, like myself, it’s easier to give up than think we’re actually good enough.  

And that’s what I ALWAYS seem to have done with blogging.  

About six months ago (WOW!) I decided I wanted to re-start writing on the internet again. Don’t ask me what it is that pulls me towards writing on the internet or what is my ‘meaning of blogging’. I’ve just really liked the idea of it since I heard of it 10 years ago when blogging was all the rage. Now, I’m not so sure having a blog is the greatest thing of life but at the end of the day, is this what I want to do? Of course, it is.  

However, starting off with one, working towards getting it and building a website around myself was a little scary at first. Actually, scratch that. It’s still crazy scary but here’s the truth. Part of it, atleast. 

It makes me feel more like a person. I know, very shallow but it is what it is. I speak more through writing than in real life (In case that wasn’t blatantly obvious enough with my extra use of words to convey the same point.) and I need an outlet. I gotta let out steam somewhere.

But, coming to my point- why do I think blogging creates for me an existential crisis? 

Point 1- I’m getting into something that was trending 10 years ago. A whole freakin’ decade ago. What am I thinking going back to something from the stone age when Instagram and Pinterest and I don’t know what else is hot as coal? 

Point 2- I’ve got to be careful because well, I used my real name to make this website. Genius! So, I’m going to be held accountable for everything I write here by the people that know me in real life. I don’t know if it’s fortunate or unfortunate but the bad mouthing is going to be limited on here. Actually, I think that could be a good thing. Less negativity out there. (We’re going to try.) 

Point 3- Who even reads blogs anymore? I’m just rephrasing point 1 because it still plays in my head as I’m writing this, thinking of starting all over again. 

It is scary to be an internet person, subject to A LOT of judgment. We all are. I know I don’t have to force myself to grow out of it but I think I’m about ready to put that aside just a tad to do what I want and writing is what I want. I want to add value somewhere even if all that I get is some person going, ‘I know what this crack-head is talking about. So. it’s not just me.’ And when I can’t add value, I just want to be the chick that gets it. Or doesn’t get it but isn’t afraid to admit that. 

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. (I know this is an overused meme thing on Instagram but just roll with it. All credits to the creator.)

If you find this randomly floating about the internet, hi. If you found this because you’re creepy and you googled my name, hi. If you’re from Instagram and decided to check out my bio, hi.  

Until later, 

Anya.  

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